Wrestling with Faith

I've been wrestling with something lately that I can't shake. There's this growing tension I feel between what I see in church culture and what I'm actually reading in my Bible. It's not that I want to be rebellious or anything - I love my church family. But sometimes I sit in service or hear certain teachings and think, "Is this really what Jesus was talking about?"
The Questions Keep Coming
This whole thing started a few weeks ago when I was reading 2 Timothy 3:16 - you know, the verse about Scripture being God-breathed and useful for teaching and correcting. It hit me that maybe I need to let the Bible correct some of my own assumptions about faith, even the ones I've held for years.
I keep thinking about those Bereans in Acts 17:11. They didn't just accept what Paul said because he was an apostle - they went home and checked it against Scripture. That's what I want to do more of. Not because I don't trust my pastors or teachers, but because I want to make sure my faith is built on solid ground.
My Own Struggle with Tradition
I'll be honest - coming from Satanism into Christianity, I thought I was escaping legalism and finding freedom. And in many ways I did. But now I'm noticing that some Christian culture can feel just as heavy with unspoken rules - different rules, but rules nonetheless. When I go back to read what Jesus actually said, so much of it was about loving God and loving people. Simple. Beautiful. Freeing.
Maybe it's because of where I came from, but I'm really sensitive to when faith becomes about performance or fitting into a system rather than relationship. I've been in a system before that was all about rules and appearances, and I don't want to trade one cage for another - even if this one looks prettier from the outside.
What I'm Learning
The more I read Scripture, the more I realize how much grace there is in the Gospel. How much freedom. Jesus spent most of his time with people who were considered "unqualified" by religious standards. He ate with tax collectors, touched lepers, defended an adulteress, praised a Gentile's faith.
Yet sometimes Christianity as I've experienced it can feel exclusive or judgmental in ways that don't seem to match Jesus's heart. I wonder if I've been more concerned with being a "good Christian" according to cultural standards than with actually following Christ according to biblical standards.
My Personal Challenge
I've decided to try something. For the next month, I'm going to read through one of the Gospels slowly - really slowly - and ask myself: "What would it look like to actually live this way?" Not what would it look like to be a respectable church member, but what would it look like to follow this Jesus I'm reading about?
I'm a little nervous about where this might lead me. What if I discover I need to change some things about how I live my faith? What if I realize I've been more shaped by Christian culture than by Christ himself?
Wrestling with Love
I guess what I'm really grappling with is this: I want my faith to be real. I want it to be based on what God actually said, not on what people think he said or what's comfortable for me to believe.
I think about Jesus saying in Mark 7:8, "You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to human traditions." Ouch. That could be me sometimes. I don't want it to be me.
But I also don't want to become bitter or critical. I love the church, even with all its imperfections. I just want to make sure I'm following Jesus, not just following Christianity as a cultural system.
A Prayer I Keep Coming Back To
God, help me see clearly. Show me where I've confused tradition with truth, where I've let culture shape my faith more than Your Word. Give me wisdom to know the difference between what honors You and what just makes me comfortable. Help me love both Your Word and Your people well.
And please, don't let me become prideful about this journey. Keep my heart humble and teachable.